Confusion.

I have never been good with telling how I feel. I have separated what seems to be my two emotions as 'on happy pills' and 'off happy pills'.

But recently, I have been feeling.

I've felt scared, happy, sad, hopeful. I have felt things that I forgot were things you could feel. Things I don't know how to put into words.

And it scares me.

Though I know the root, I do not want to admit it. I cannot spend too long without the root, or the emotions go haywire. It's becoming frustrating.

It's becoming fucking ridiculous.

And I'm becoming paranoid. Paranoid of everything. Of what will happen if the world ends, of what will happen if I become dependent.

But mainly, what will happen if my root leaves.

I am rarely truely happy, but with the root, I feel different. No longer simply 'content' or 'not content'. No longer 'on pill' or 'off pill'.

And it scares me. It fucking sends me into hyperventilation. So many things could go wrong. So many things have gone wrong before.

I can feel myself falling as I have before.

I feel myself falling.

Falling.

And I put my hands up to hold on to the top, but its sucking.

I want to fall.

But I can't.

Not again.

I can't.

If the root dies again, I can't handle it.

I can't handle another root dying.

I can't handle these unlocked emotions.

I can't handle anything.


I don't want to.



But I do.